never knows best


hey, kids!

ya, i don't post here much anymore. and i only periodically check, as the site is broken on my browsers and facebook is so impulsive!

but i've started a blog i'm hoping to update regularly. it's not personal, like the stuff i used to write here. it focuses on being alternative and Lutheran - hopefully as a point of reference for cool Lutherans or cool non-Christians. - and there's, but i still don't have my permissions back since my friend changed over his server, so it's been very dead.

if you miss me, i'm sorry. i feel like i have so little worth saying about myself lately. it's either self-indulgent or completely boring, neither of which i enjoy.

God increases and I decrease - and less because i'm pious, but more because i realize how much i suck most of the time lol.

but check it out. or find me on facebook. i miss all ya'll. hopefully God will find reason to put us together again.
never knows best


so, lj looks like crap, as they celebrate some anniversary. surely part of the internet's mad dash to meet up to Facebook standards, despite everyone's complaints about Facebook.

and as i sit here at the computer on hour 4 of my 10 hour stint as a watchman, i realize that internally, i haven't changed a great deal from ages ago. a lot of my motivations are the same, although they compete with more mature motivations.

i must decrease, He must increase.

i have such a long way to go.

go in Peace
  • Current Mood
    quixotic quixotic
never knows best

status update

found myself updating my profile on another blog (which i also leave empty), to realize it was fitting and i should post it elsewhere. it follows:

hmmm... happily married. going to seminary in August. working as a Counter Intelligence Agent. dreaming of electric sheep.

no landline, cable, or internet connection at the moment; which means i don't exist. so please excuse me if i'm not around. i'm never around.
hopefully, once we're at seminary, with an internet connection, i'll be online for a healthy amount of time.

that's what's up.
never knows best

reality bites

long day, although not nearly as long as it should have been.

woke up to move my car for my mom circa 8am, which is when i planned to get up. went back to sleep, sleeping through the alarm about 3 hours. eventually j called, offered lunch, and i figured that'd fit my plans well. didn't get to her until late, and i should know by now that she and i ALWAYS hang out longer than planned...
so i had planned on meeting our county's social health program at 2pm and didn't get there until 4 or 4:30pm. lucky #43 was me. enjoyed "Home Alone", followed by a decade old AIDS-awareness program. such intense sincerity from so many celebrities can never been taken seriously, i hope you understand!
played some Animal Crossing in the waiting room. apart from the wait, i found the entire experience pleasureable. the staff were attentive and friendly. doesn't look like my concern is a problem, although the practitioner pointed out a mole i hadn't thought about in a while, the shape and size of which i should really watch.
went to suncrushr's after he told me it wouldn't be a problem me calling Erin after a while. he showed me a really cool piece he's been working on and some loops in this software i'm even more unfamiliar with than our primary software. had a good phone conversation with Erin, which could only have been made better with greater duration and less winter cold. :p
played around with my DS and geeked it out a bit with the guys.
decided to finally work on music; i got irritable and neurotic. i got terribly neurotic. vocalized some of that and got a bit better, and then phalkon and i talked about our lives and the future for a good while. it was good to get a lot of that out... and now i'm back home, and far less neurotic :-p though the weight of reality is still heavy upon me. here's reality:

i need to decide the next 5 years of my life ASAP. period. naturally, the next 5 years of my life greatly effects the remainder of my life and the dominoes continue falling.
but i can no longer put off the reality that i must decide what the hell i'm doing for the decade NOW.

as i've been thinking the last couple weeks, i have several routes:
1) go to seminary (that's "sound," rational, reasonable. but high risk of burnout. live as Pastor/chaplain or prof)
2) get a masters in linguistics (reasonable. high risk of burnout. live as prof/researcher)
3) get a grant for my linguistics software (unlikely. high risk of failure. live bohemian and stressful.)
4) get random job (default. crap shoot. quality of life a crap shoot.)
5) become professional musician ("market your skills," "parttime work fulltime pay." on the job 24/7. potentially good.)

in my current mindset, which i recognize to not necessarily be the best or most rational one, i'm thinking i should go back to music. and by "professional musician" i do NOT mean rockstar - i mean working class, "just play the gig" musician. resize my tux, buy a suit, discpline myself, buy a couple fake books and learn the popular classics. whore myself out to churches, funeral homes, local combos, rich people's parties, whatever.
and, as opposed to options 1, 2, and 3, option 5 requires only a couple months if not only a couple weeks of hardcore discipline for almost immediate gains. option 4 is precisely what i'm trying to avoid.
and in the meantime, i've got this damn B.A. thing hanging over my head. ugh!! i'm going to have to get my counselor or some administrative assistant on the phone ASAP and get questions answered. yes, i shot myself in the foot for this coming semester. A) can i graduate this semester? if i cut my minor? B) can i take the core curriculuum classes i'm missing at the community college and receive my proper diploma?

'really, der_m, why isn't school #1 priority all of a sudden?' nocturn spelled it out to me the other day, God bless him: "you've burnt out, dude. you need to take a break."

a dear friend of mine told me not too long ago "you're responsible when you need to be." God bless her! i better flipping live up to that, stat!
  • Current Music
never knows best


long, exhausting weekend. but it was fun.
got back a lot later than i expected, which i suppose i should have expected.
maybe i'll tell you about it later.

for now, though, i signed online to see if any friends were on, and was pleasantly surprised when someone i rarely talk to IMed me a link to what appeared to be a picture site. knowing i like his sense of humor, i copied it into the browser and found it downloading me a program which most surely is a virus.
so, take care against this virus. if any friend tries to IM you this link (do not go there unless you use Linux or the like): DO NOT click on it, and be sure to inform your friend s/he's got a virus.
stay informed.
  • Current Music
    Nickelback - Photograph
never knows best

busy as a ghostbee!

well, the last 48 hours have been something! in mostly good ways...
somehow woke up for class, which was discussion. Mr. Know-It-All dominated, of course, because those silly scientists are just so stupid! (hehe, while i was in an environment where agreement would not be combated, i know better than to so lightly suggest such things and very much opted to keep my mouth shut the whole time ;p) though i really wanted to play devil's advocate, Mr. KIA is one of those sorts who has a pat answer for everything the lowest common denominator (which includes me in the realm of contemporary issues) might bring up, all with that "how can you not agree with me?" grin on his face... oh, i'm so sick of that face...
so i politely asked the cute underage girl who loves Burton, uses recycled paper, and reads comic books what she thought of discussion, knowing that she's not Christian. hehe, a tactful response it was, at which she suggested that we team up for the "argue both sides of an issue" part of our course, saying "i think i feel more comfortable with you than just about anyone else in the class." (note to self: you're pathetic and she's all kinds of too young!) apart from my dorkiness, i was quite pleased that someone new to the overbearing "we're so much better than you" environment feels comfortable with me.
called up and volunteered for a Gothic Historical Tour! sounds like a lot of fun, and i'll be a docent, walking people around this town i've grown a bit enamoured with, telling them ghost stories and explaining the macabre history of what life was like just 3 generations ago. :)
worked, which was just that. Latin... (i aced my last test!!) Hebrew.
then, it was hours of being independantly responsible! to celebrate the initial success of the bocce club, we threw an impromptu barbeque, which i prepared, maintained, mingled, taught, played, cleaned up from 3:30 to 7ish. which left just enough time to study for a midterm in Greek and the FINAL in P.E., which if i fail again means i don't graduate until i take again!!!
due to the INTENSE NECESSITY that i NOT oversleep for both, i slept on friends' couch. one played a couple eps of Harvey Birdman as i tried to fall asleep, and i'm growing to really like that show! woke up with 20 minutes to spare (an on-campus advantage over off-campus remoteness), got to class, and i believe i did very well. returned to friends' dorm, wrote reaction paper for the P.E. project, took the exam, ate, printed off my script for the Gothic Tour and a walkthrough for Pokemon (as i was supposed to beat it before tomorrow but haven't gotten the chance!), went to science lab, confirmed things with the cool chick.
met up with the friend i only get to see 45 minutes per week for a couple drinks, read script, came home with intents to sleep (sorry i bailed on you giollachriost!). friend called reminding me i was supposed to tutor him in Hebrew. went back to campus for that, and we opted to study over coffee, cleared some things up for him, and we talked about other very important things. back now at quarter to one or so.

gotta wake up at 7am again, class at 8:30, work at 10, class at noon, drive friend to pick up his car between classes, class at 2, work at 3, get towards home for Pokemon tournament after work ends at 4:30, train/prepare (um, maybe beat my game?). then, FINALLY, relax, enjoy, tourney, etc.
what an absolutely FULL couple of days!!
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never knows best

how'm i doin?

i've been staying up later and later, and it's really beginning to get troublesome.
i either get too much sleep or too little, which always leaves me tired. i've seen an handful of friends very frequently (which pleases me), but the remainder almost not at all... and i feel very bad for it. but i can never seem to get out of the house, or even do anything productive IN the house, until after 5pm. and staying up so late doesn't help matters...

well, i've been reading "The Mammoth Book of UFOs", which has stared me in the face for years. it's really an interesting read. it's well-balanced and not at all crack-pot. a good piece of journalism, rather than a biased sermon on either side of the phenomena. and some great thoughts and vignettes.

would like to clean my room, seperate the wheat from the chaff, and find the willpower to sell some things and make some quick money. i have $3 cash by the continuing grace of my friends, and about $5 remaining in my checking account by the limitless laziness of myself.
i've been sitting on correcting an English paper for a German friend for nearly a week now, and should take the 2 hours to get that done soon.

so much on the mind. so much that needs to be done. so little willpower ;)
back to normal.
  • Current Music
    banana song