der_m (der_m) wrote,

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reality bites

long day, although not nearly as long as it should have been.

woke up to move my car for my mom circa 8am, which is when i planned to get up. went back to sleep, sleeping through the alarm about 3 hours. eventually j called, offered lunch, and i figured that'd fit my plans well. didn't get to her until late, and i should know by now that she and i ALWAYS hang out longer than planned...
so i had planned on meeting our county's social health program at 2pm and didn't get there until 4 or 4:30pm. lucky #43 was me. enjoyed "Home Alone", followed by a decade old AIDS-awareness program. such intense sincerity from so many celebrities can never been taken seriously, i hope you understand!
played some Animal Crossing in the waiting room. apart from the wait, i found the entire experience pleasureable. the staff were attentive and friendly. doesn't look like my concern is a problem, although the practitioner pointed out a mole i hadn't thought about in a while, the shape and size of which i should really watch.
went to suncrushr's after he told me it wouldn't be a problem me calling Erin after a while. he showed me a really cool piece he's been working on and some loops in this software i'm even more unfamiliar with than our primary software. had a good phone conversation with Erin, which could only have been made better with greater duration and less winter cold. :p
played around with my DS and geeked it out a bit with the guys.
decided to finally work on music; i got irritable and neurotic. i got terribly neurotic. vocalized some of that and got a bit better, and then phalkon and i talked about our lives and the future for a good while. it was good to get a lot of that out... and now i'm back home, and far less neurotic :-p though the weight of reality is still heavy upon me. here's reality:

i need to decide the next 5 years of my life ASAP. period. naturally, the next 5 years of my life greatly effects the remainder of my life and the dominoes continue falling.
but i can no longer put off the reality that i must decide what the hell i'm doing for the decade NOW.

as i've been thinking the last couple weeks, i have several routes:
1) go to seminary (that's "sound," rational, reasonable. but high risk of burnout. live as Pastor/chaplain or prof)
2) get a masters in linguistics (reasonable. high risk of burnout. live as prof/researcher)
3) get a grant for my linguistics software (unlikely. high risk of failure. live bohemian and stressful.)
4) get random job (default. crap shoot. quality of life a crap shoot.)
5) become professional musician ("market your skills," "parttime work fulltime pay." on the job 24/7. potentially good.)

in my current mindset, which i recognize to not necessarily be the best or most rational one, i'm thinking i should go back to music. and by "professional musician" i do NOT mean rockstar - i mean working class, "just play the gig" musician. resize my tux, buy a suit, discpline myself, buy a couple fake books and learn the popular classics. whore myself out to churches, funeral homes, local combos, rich people's parties, whatever.
and, as opposed to options 1, 2, and 3, option 5 requires only a couple months if not only a couple weeks of hardcore discipline for almost immediate gains. option 4 is precisely what i'm trying to avoid.
and in the meantime, i've got this damn B.A. thing hanging over my head. ugh!! i'm going to have to get my counselor or some administrative assistant on the phone ASAP and get questions answered. yes, i shot myself in the foot for this coming semester. A) can i graduate this semester? if i cut my minor? B) can i take the core curriculuum classes i'm missing at the community college and receive my proper diploma?

'really, der_m, why isn't school #1 priority all of a sudden?' nocturn spelled it out to me the other day, God bless him: "you've burnt out, dude. you need to take a break."

a dear friend of mine told me not too long ago "you're responsible when you need to be." God bless her! i better flipping live up to that, stat!

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